Curses
According to Lindsay C. Gibson in “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” when looking back on the history of stories that have been told, a common relationship dynamic that has been explored is the neglectful parent and mistreated child. Although the range of the role the parent plays in this can vary from outright malicious to carelessness, the core of the conflict between the two is that the adult does not provide the child with their needs. Often lost and confused because of this, the kid finds support from other characters. We can see that this is a topic still being investigated in pop culture. In attempts to deepen our understanding of the effects it has on the child, some stories even detail who that person became, what habits they retained from that experience, and how their other relationships functioned afterward. A good example of this is Jennette McCurdy’s book “I’m Glad My Mom Died,” where she recalls her life growing up with her emotionally immature mother. In this book, she eventually discusses the changes she had to make in life to free herself from the restraints her mom put on her.
In recent years, this has grown into a very common discussion amongst people. The idea of trying not to do what people’s parents did has surfaced and trended on social media as a variety of people post about how they are breaking the cycles they inherited from their families. Similar to Jennette McCurdy, these individuals experienced a form of maltreatment from their caregivers and have gone on to do the necessary work so they do not repeat those behaviors. Therefore, breaking what they call a generational “curse.”
But what really is a generational “curse?” A blog post titled “How Generational Curses Affect my Love Life” from the website The Source defines a generational curse as “the cumulative effect on a person of things that their ancestors did, believed, or practiced in the past, and a consequence of an ancestor’s actions, beliefs, and sins being passed down.” Many experiences or beliefs can fall under this definition, such as thinking that because one ancestor chose to do something unjust all their descendants will pay the price for it if they do not undo their actions. Though, that is not the focus of the social media trend.
Rather, the focus is on unlearning the cycles that may haunt a family without them knowing. The blog continues by using an example of a child of divorced parents, sharing that they may unconsciously learn unhealthy romantic habits from watching how their parents functioned in their romantic relationship. Therefore, this alters our definition of a generational “curse” by changing the focus to what an individual has learned from their parents, who learned from their parents, who learned from their parents, who…This idea aligns more with the definition from the blog post “Healing The Generational Wounds: Breaking the Cycle of Childhood Trauma” on the website Bozeman Counseling. Instead of cycles or curses, they label it generational trauma, which refers to the transferring of unresolved emotional or psychological pain from grandparents or parents.
When these traumas remain untreated in parents and then get passed on to children, this pattern can continue because, most likely, the kid does not fully understand what they went through. In her book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” Lindsay C. Gibson goes on to say “when the children of emotionally immature parents grow up, the core emptiness remains, even if they have superficially normal adult lives.” This trauma that they carry with them can often lead them to unhealthy dynamics. Gibson continues on with saying “their loneliness can continue into adulthood if they unwittingly choose relationships that can’t give them enough emotional connection.” She then goes on to point out that these individuals sometimes end up marrying the wrong person, enduring exploitation or staying with a job that takes more than it gives. This expands on our understanding of how these relationships, where neglectful parents mistreat their child, can alter one’s adulthood.
But this understanding raises questions, such as: if these curses are just cycles, how do we become aware of and break them? Is it really up to one person from the family to do it? How do you know when you’ve done it? What even is “it?” In the one-man play El Duelo, Cito struggles to answer these questions and more as he navigates a complicated relationship with his mother. Only when he moves across an ocean and focuses on himself does he figure out what those answers are for him. However, it does not require living abroad to reimagine what these parental relationships look like.
As Bozeman Counseling and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents does, many sources recommend seeking professional help to assist you in becoming aware of the cycles present in your life. From there, how one utilizes the service of a licensed doctor is up to them because part of breaking these cycles is choosing to do so. In El Duelo, Cito decides to run from his generational trauma until he learns it is okay to address it and then decides to take action, which is something I believe many people can relate to. Facing issues that have been passed down from grandparent to parent to child can be daunting and terrifying. Not only does it require you to alter and hold your boundaries against a caretaker, it can alter an individual’s life if they are relying on their emotionally immature parent for other needs, such as financial ones.
However, having already established that these traumatizing cycles can be passed on from generation to generation unless addressed, the only solution is to face them. By avoiding them like Cito, we perpetuate the same problem and pass it on. I believe the importance of this sentiment becomes clearer when looking at the outlook society has on children, which can be seen through prominent, historical figures’ public messages. Pulling from the words of popular people such as Neil Postman, John F. Kennedy, and Nelson Mandela, the notion is that children are our future. They will grow to be teachers, political leaders, mentors and even parents. This emphasizes the importance of doing the necessary work to unlearn the unhealthy behaviors from a family’s generational trauma since it impacts both the present and the future. Ultimately, one has to ask themselves a myriad of questions when considering what they should do when faced with being raised by someone who repeated their parent’s emotionally immature cycles. One question that I believe many will come across during their journey is: what’s scarier – continuing to subject future children to cycles that have haunted us or working through them in hopes of growing beyond them? I only hope that when someone asks themselves this, their answer is of the latter.
Sources (In Order of Occurrence):
Gibson, Lindsay C. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications, Inc, 2016.
McCurdy, Jennette. I’m Glad My Mom Died. Simon & Schuster, 2023.
“How Generational Curses Affect My Love Life.” RSS, 21 July 2020, www.thesource.org/post/generational-curses-affect-my-love-life.
Nagle, Ella. “Healing the Generational Wounds: Breaking the Cycle of Childhood Trauma in Bozeman, MT.” Bridger Peaks Counseling, Bridger Peaks Counseling, 8 Apr. 2024, www.bozemancounseling.org/blog/2023/10/12/healing-the-generational-wounds-breaking-the-cycle-of-childhood-trauma.
Convoy of Hope. “150+ Heartwarming Quotes about Children [2025 List].” Convoy of Hope, 7 Jan. 2025, convoyofhope.org/articles/quotes-about-children/.
